PART TWO OF MY UNCERTAINTY
Part of me wants to just crank this out and get it over with but this is my senior year. It’s time I ought to take a real personal inventory so I can give myself some framing and “personal goals” for the rest of the year. Personal goals, eugh. It sounds so gross but you can’t live without them. Until last year I had none. I mean I did have some pretty ambitious goals I had to have several reality checks before I got it all straight.
Today I’m a much different person than I was four years ago when I left my parent’s house and moved to Austin, I’m different than I was six months ago, even three months ago and I’m sure I’ll change in another three months. I never know how I’m going to change but it’s always positive. I become more outgoing, confident, inspired and I always learn from my mistakes. When I see a strong, confident, smart and talented woman with the same interests as myself I am immediately drawn to her prowess. Not that men are excluded from who I’m inclined to look up to but women with the qualities I strive for are just more relatable simply because that’s what I want to be. One of the top five people I want to meet is Leslie Arfin, published author and bad ass wise woman. I read everything she writes about from sex to jobs and relationships for one reason: REALITY CHECKS.
I grew up in the unfortunate suburbs of Houston. By unfortunate I mean that I was never stimulated the way I wanted to be and any stimulation I found was in the mall or at shows on the weekends. If I wanted to do anything outside of the bubble I lived in I had to drive at least 30 minutes. I had really great group of diverse friends though who I still see every once in a while and we did everything together. It was just hard to deal with living in the most conservative zip code in the country with no variety from strip mall after strip mall. HOWEVER, I knew that I had to break free from the functional dummies and oil daddy daughters so I strived and struggled to look beyond such strip malls and found little local gems sprinkled behind Office Depot and the day spas.
My father is German and my mother is American. I was born in Germany and moved from the country side to Houston when I was four. I love having family on the other side of the world and traditions and interests that are different from everyone else’s. I lived for a total of six months in New York interning at Vice. Meeting so many different nut jobs was probably one of the best experiences of my life. I’m absolutely terrified of how expensive and cold and competitive it is but I’m moving there anyway because I couldn’t believe how inspired I was by everybody. You have to be out of your mind to really make it in New York without any money and I’m drawn to that ideal and those types of people. Once again, Leslie Arfin lends her wisdom.
High school was okay. I had some great teachers and I had some who sat in their supply closets and cried when they couldn’t handle the pressure from 15 year-olds. I won some awards for journalism and photography but it didn’t really mean anything to me at the time because I put it on my resume for college but I’m glad I didn’t just sit around and wait for the time to pass. My attitude was that it was just something I had to do and tried to zone out from people and teachers who treated me like a weirdo but I’ve always known that I never fit in. Not that much has changed but at least I’ve never had to think about that again since I started going to SEU. I had no idea where I really wanted to be after high school but some how, after four years of figuring it out, it turned out to be the best fit and unlike high school I want to do well here.
I really believe that people should travel as far as they possibly can, even if it’s to another state but I’m really trying to get myself to visit all my friends in Europe next summer in London, Paris, Berlin, and hopefully make it to Sofia where my friend can take me to her home town in Skopje and take a train Istanbul. Because I’ve already traveled a lot it makes me feel anxious that I haven’t left the country since I was 18. Well, I went to Toronto when I was 19 but it’s more or less the same as any other American city and I ended up having to stay in and watch every season of Sex and the City. IT SUCKED. I didn’t get out and explore like I should have. I really feel like everyone should be scared at some point. Not in danger but scared because they’re on their own, making their own decisions in an unknown place where they can’t necessarily find help without reaching out or getting lost. It’s really humbling and it makes you appreciate home. People are fascinating to me so getting to experience even the most wacked out cultures is so much fun.
I have a feeling I’m getting very close to finding out what I’m good at and where I want to do it, which is very encouraging. When that time comes I know that I’m going to be very ambitious. I get excited when my friends and family are doing something awesome that they love and feel good about themselves as a result. Nothing disappoints me more than unused potential, which is why I have to keep pushing myself and actively look for more opportunities.